With the first day of Spring settling in, I find myself faced with things I need to do, want to do, and things I’m forced to do.  Spring Fever encourages all of the things I want to do, but negative forces around me push all the things I need to do and things I’m forced to do.  It seems there’s just not enough time to get everything done, and of course I like to lead with things I want to do.  My environment seems to spin in a whirlwind of resistance and negativity.  I don’t like it.  I don’t want it.  Shouldn’t I be doing what I said I was going to do when I grow up?  Instead I am held back by the forces that be.  It’s a battle and a struggle that’s taking a toll on me.  I wish my dad were here, he’d understand and give me some profound advice like “EFF them, put yourself first!”  That’s the Greek side.  My Italian side, however, has manged to succumb to the age-old Italian Guilt that has been instilled since birth.  I could never just say “Eff them” and not do what needs to be done, no matter how easy my family makes it look.

I want to hike and breathe the fresh air while my dog exhausts herself running up and down the trails.  I want to work my body so hard that I’m soaked with sweat from head to toe. I want to cook and entertain my friends and family as we laugh our asses off on the farmer’s porch, at the bon-fire, or on the boat.  I want to watch a swarm of dogs chasing each other with big grins and wagging tails.  I want to watch my son bursting with excitement as he tells me of his latest dream-car crush he has to have.

Many nights I look around at the empty table and wonder what’s ahead.  It’s exhausting and overwhelming just thinking about all the things that need to be done to live and maintain a simple life.  I’m the glue that holds everything together, but it comes with a price; my freedom and piece of mind.  I don’t get much of either.  No one really seems to care or help on a regular basis.  It’s just too damn easy to turn your back.

The words  “Be careful what you ask for” ring loud in my head as I sit at my Table For One…